Well, we’ve been camping for three days only to come home and have knee surgery the next day on my right knee.  This time was weird. I puked three times. It was terrible. I just want to rest and drink and eat.

My bandage is slipping down. It might not make it to the goal of two days or about Monday. We shall see. It’s funny, I can move it fine in some ways, but other ways are impossible and I have to have Jessica come pick my leg up. She’s gotten really good at arranging my pillows. She’s a great kid.

Sleepy again. Later.        

It’s Saturday. Tomorrow is Father’s day. Tuesday we take our first ever camping trip in tents all by ourselves. Well, Maia will be there for Sydney’s birthday which is also Tuesday. She’ll finally be 12. On Friday, when we come home, we’ll have to pack up and leave at the ass crack of dawn because I have to be at pre-op at 10:45. I’m having my right knee operated on this time. I can barely walk on it. All the time I spent hobbling around on my right leg while my left leg was healing toasted. So now it’s surgery on my right knee. I’m kind of scared this time.

We’re going camping Tuesday and staying till Friday morning. We’re going to Millersillvania (sp). The camping trip is Sydney’s birthday present from me. Maia’s dad, Lincoln, has loaned us a lot of camping equipment. I don’t know why she’s divorcing him. He’s always been such a nice guy to me. He seems very giving and kind. I don’t know, maybe that’s the face he puts on for the “public”. She seems nice too but has a bit of a bite to her. Oh well, I wish the best for the both of them.

A few days ago I did my first chicken BBQ. We were all out there on the deck. My mind was at ease.

My left knee is so totally killing me. I’m even icing it in bed before sleep last night.

(Today) Well, I’m in the parking lot of The Dock, a building with shops in it down on the Foss Waterway. I’m here because the kids paternal grandparents are having their 50^th wedding anniversary down at the Wooden Boat Museum (or whatever it’s called). Obviously I’m not invited and I don’t want to be so I dropped the kids off and here I sit.

Lucy (I’ve named my right knee Lucy) is in pain. In a minutes time I can go from no pain to 8… it just depends on the stresses and pull and positions and such my Lucy is in. I’ve got my seat all the way back and the laptop is sitting in the steering wheel. Lucy feels okay at the moment.

I haven’t blogged because I’ve had much on my mind. The kids are finishing school for the summer but Jessica and Sydney are going to do a bit more Sylvan.

Sydney’s birthday is the 23^rd, Tuesday of a week from now. I got the brilliant idea of going camping. So we’re going camping in my little car at Millersylvania down by Olympia. We’ll be there for four days and three nights. I hope we can pack enough food and everything else. I’m going to make the kids hold their stuff. I’m excited and scared. I’ve never taken them camping in tents before. I haven’t camped in a tent since college.

This week I’m planning on spending time with my parents (around all the other things I have to do) to put together a kit of their things we can use on the trip. They have a Coleman stove and lanterns and stuff.

Check out time is 2:30, which is good, because I’m driving home, taking a shower and then going to the hospital for surgery on Lucy. Doctor Coray says that compared to him taking the plug out of my left knee for my ankle this will look really horrible and I should be prepared for that. I’m not looking forward to it. I’ve been weight training and cleaning my room to get ready. I really just want to panic and go spend money I don’t have on books. They comfort me. I might need to know something in them.

I guess the kids’ dad has been very depressed for a while. I asked my counselor if I should have the kids call him. She said not to, it’s his responsibility as the adult to call them. Sydney has already convinced herself he’s not going to call her for her birthday and hates him for it. I told Kae, his mom, and suggested he call the day before because we’ll still be home. I guess I didn’t have to do that.

I’ve actively re-embraced the idea that we all have to follow our bliss in order to be happy. When I met my ex he was a happy go lucky guy with not a care in the world. Then he stepped out of his bliss and had marriage responsibilities. Then he converted to Christianity for me. Then we had 3 kids.

He’s so far out of his bliss. Now he wants to be a traveling preacher and he hates his job. (Grapevine) He still struggles with pornography (I found out this in a round about way) and tries to council others how to fight it. How hypocritical is that? He hasn’t defeated his own sin but he’s teaching others to. So sad… and not his bliss… I think that’s why he’s so depressed. I could of course be wrong.

My bliss is to take care of my Bipolar Disorder by not working a regular job, writing, and being a full-time mom. I’m going to start drawing again too. I love to draw. My hands seem to have forgotten how to do it so I’m struggling and am like a new student. I haven’t drawn in like two years.

TV shows I look forward to watching now or are waiting for include: Primeval, Torchwood, Sanctuary, and Eureka. Great shows.

This week Jessica has the Compass test for Running Start (so she can take college/high school classes at the same time. While she does that I’ll run over to Walmart and have the tires balanced. The next day Sydney has her arm doctor appointment to assess how she’s doing. Then I have to get the oil changed. And on it goes.

My Bipolar State Today
I feel like crap today. I’m losing my voice and I still have that crap in my chest. I had chest x-rays and sinus CT scan. This thing in my chest has been going on for about four weeks now. I wish the doctor would just put me in the hospital and get rid of it. I feel like I’m drowning. Does wonders for my agitation level.

I’m at Jessica’s open gym with her this evening. She’s graduating tomorrow and is trying to put together a routine.

Someone here stinks. I think it’s the boy sitting next to me.

I’d like to get to know a couple of the ladies her as friends. Too bad they’re too busy and besides not likely to like lil’ fat ole me.  I love listening to Lizzy lead a class. Her voice is so lively, musical, strong and happy. I wish I could be friends with her but she’s so busy. See how I feel sorry for myself? I’m a little depressed. I made a music cd for a casual friend. Doing things like that always make me feel better. She won’t know it was from me. I like it that way.

 I’m so very bored. Jessica is just far enough away from me for me to not be able to see what she’s doing. My eyesight is getting very bad. I need to have them checked.

One good thing about this week, ok two…. I had a flat tire and I got two new tires. And secondly …. I forget…  (later) I still forget.

Now it’s  the 6^th. Jessica just did her routine for her first degree blue belt. I’m so proud of her. I wish I could be out there with her but there are the problems of my right knee and my asthma. .. but I make excuses for myself. We got some really good pictures of her and Sifu.  My lungs are gurgling again. I think I’ll take a nap.

My Bipolar – What is It??
For many people having Bipolar Disorder Type 1 is a death sentence literally. For many others they become the walking tortured. In general:

BIPOLAR DISORDER IS:
A lifelong condition in which people have very high and very low mood swings. Each time they feel one of these it is called an episode. Some of us have these symptoms all our life. One expert describes the illness as “a roller-coaster ride for patients and those around them. Restless, grouchy, or happy moods may become an episode of mania. Feeling tired, empty, or very sad may become an episode of depression.” I also have what is known as a mixed episode. This is when I have an episodes of both mania and depression at the same time. Screwy huh?

FACT: Bipolar Disorder affects more than 5.7 million Americans.

It is an illness where many suffer from it, but we all do so very much in our own hell. People around us don’t have any comprehension of what it does to us. If you have it, then this blog is for you and the people who judge and don’t understand why you just stood up and screamed at your kid in front of their friends and totally embarrassing them for something you can’t even remember what when you’re able to finally stop the tirade.

In the past I’ve been unable and unwilling to share my Bipolar Journey publically. Sometimes I can’t believe the things I do and say.  When I try to make friends I eventually tell them about the disease and they inevitably treat me differently. I have to expand my limited group of friends, those I can tell about it and just treat it as they would any other diseases. It isn’t like I walk around with men’s underpants on my head now is it?  At least I don’t think anyone got a picture of that –

I’m going to jump around writing this. It’s how my brain works. My three kids follow me most of the time, but there are times when even I don’t know what I’m blathering on about.

Ciao

May 30, 2009
MMA & Busy Weekend
I’ve got Jessica here at Lenderman’s for the third day in a row now.  It’s a nice place so it’s ok. I want her to do a good demonstration for her graduation and test good for her tip. I’m super proud of her. We’ve missed a lot lately… I’ve been really sick with asthma… so she’s a little less proficient than we’d (she and I’d) like.  The black belts assure me she’ll be fine. I don’t want fine, I want good, I want great. She works so hard there’s no reason not to expect it of her.  I’m glad that this is her “thing” and that she loves it.

She and I have been talking about school and I’m teaching her about following her bliss even if that means taking a class over or taking an extra year or doing Running Start. I’m proud of her and will do whatever it takes to get her ready for being a productive and happy member of society… as is what I believe the main goal of parenting is.

I had to just call Jess over because they’d been talking about the MMA as a sport and not practicing for a while. So they are back to practicing again. I’m like I’m not sitting here bored out of my skull (I’m still manic).

After this the plan is for her to go to her friend’s and from there go to a movie party. Then spend the night at her house. In the morning they’ll be coming back to our house and pack lunches and I’ll drop them off at Walmart to catch the bus into town… Tacoma. They’ll hang around in town most of the day and maybe get her dad a birthday present. Maybe, if she cares to. I suggested to her that they find the tourism office and see what there is to do. It will be warm. I’ll try to get her to use sunscreen, but since I rarely use any...

Cold

It’s so cold. I’m burning.
I close my eyes. Tears tumble, stinging my face.
Breathe.
Tears choking.
Emptiness.
A whimper escaping, sobbing, a violent tremble.
Falling.
Ever falling.
There is no place to land.

Gracie St. John, copyright March 13, 2004

April12^th 2009
The Movie Bella
Typically I don’t review movies and I’m still not going to. I will however say that I faithfully watched the movie waiting for things to come together and I was disappointed. Flashbacks/forwards were confusing an otherwise slow story. Sorry guys, I won’t be recommending it.

April 8^th 2009
Goofy Geico…
I’m Glad It’s Not My Company!
So I had my first massage as part of my "recovery" from the car accident last week. Geico is still saying it's 10% my fault even though she hit the side of my car. Did you catch that. She hit the SIDE of my car. Apparently they think I should have taken evasive maneuvers. What am I? A starship? Bloody hell.

So I talked to an attorney just so I can say I consulted an attorney. If they can get more money than I can they'll let me know. Then I'll hire them, not before. Ridiculous.   

April 7^th 2009 b
Muscle Spasms, Not a Heart Attack

Now I know why my doctor prescribed muscle relaxers… I’m having spasms across and across my back mostly in the region of my left side. No, I don’t think I’m having heart attack. It just hurts. I’ll take a pill when I get home.

I’m really tired today. I just couldn’t go to sleep last night. Kyle, stayed up all night and all day. He says this will get him on the right schedule for school again. I hope so or it’s ice down the pants.

I’m in the car blogging at Jessica’s martial arts class. My ex-broken ankle is pretty swollen and stiff. Some days this is the only place I feel like I have any peace and quiet.

Oh it’s time for the pollen alert. Alert status for today and tomorrow is very high here. I’m already having to go to my spring allergy meds. My allergy doc still wants me to come in for allergy shots. I keep saying no because once it didn’t work and the other time it nearly killed me. I’d rather sneeze than die. I’m sooo very allergic to some things. I just feel like I’m pushing my luck inject it in me on purpose. I know how they works, I still don’t want them.

April 7^th  2009
Dealing with Insurance Companies

Geico is trying to say that the accident last Thursday was 10% my fault because I could have tried to move out of the way. My adjuster got into an argument with their adjuster and I understand it was a rather heated discussion. Hopefully they’ll get a clue and not fight it. I’ll take them to small claims court if I have to. It was in no way my fault. I’m not paying a bloody thing.

April 4^th 2009
Ouch! Shit! Pain Again
I didn’t expect to feel this bad. I’m glad the doc gave me the pain pills and the muscle relaxers. Youza! 

April, 3^rd 2009
I’ve Been in Another Accident
I've been in like six car accidents and none of them were my fault. Yesterday on the way to Jessica's martial arts class this girl pulled out of a parking lot and drove through the turn lane and right into us. It's like I'm a crash magnet. At least that's what the kids think. I'm so very sore. I can barely walk on my right leg. It hurts a lot. I must have hit my knee on the dash or something. I'll try to get into my knee doc Monday. My MD gave me a persc. for two massages a week for eight weeks. I'm so happy. I guess I have whiplash. My back is killing me. Jessica has back pain but not as much as me. I'm glad she feels pretty good.

I've taken my pain pill and muscle relaxer so I should be falling asleep soon. My cat always knows when something is wrong and he wants to sleep with me. This morning I woke up with him right next to my head. He surprised me. His name is Lincoln and he's about 19 years old.

Last night only Kyle was home with me. Tonight only Sydney is here. I bought a six-pack of Henry Weinhard's Root Beer. We're going to finish it all off before the other kids get home. Sydney feels pretty special because of that. She is pretty special. They are all so special in their own way.

Big news! The giant purple gorilla has had his anchor wires moved to his arms from his chest. My eldest is happy with this development as he appeared to have nipples before. LOLOLOL Leave it to her to notice. Ha!

April, 2^nd 2009
Serious Play
“Parents should let children be children—not just because it should be fun to be a child but because denying developing into inquisitive, creative, creatures, Elkin warns. ‘Play has to be reframed and seen not as an opposite to work but rather as a compliment,’ creativity are like muscles if you don’t use them, you lose them.”

I’ve long held the position that is essential for any age person. So you’re an adult and don’t think you know how to play? Find someone and play a game. Any game will do. Try cards or collectible card games.  Play some sport or play with kids. Kid play is great fun. When else can you climb up those triangle-dome things or use a tee-tee-totter or monkey bars? Play tag and keep away. Lay on the floor and draw or color in a coloring book. There are hundreds of things you can do. Go for a hike.

Honestly, I try to play everyday and not just work and watch TV. I’m so much happier when I’ve been playing. You should try it. And, my kids and I have a richer relationship because of it. I’ll play any day to have that.

April, 1^st 2009
Teaching the Neighbor Girl to Draw Manga
The little girl next door has seen some of my drawings and asked me to show her how to draw manga. It’s like Japanese cartoons/comics.  So I’ve printed out some of the tutorials I used and gave them to her. I draw better when I’m looking at an image. I sort of figure it out as I go.  I really don’t like the kid and I like most kids. But still, I’ve no reason to say no to helping her.

Kyle is playing a game on his computer. Sydney is sick again today and is in her room. Earlier I watched two episodes of Supernatural with her. I’ve been watching the whole first season with her. We already watched season two.  Jessica is at my mom’s house babysitting her dog. I know it sounds stupid, but they want a babysitter and the kids need the money.  I think my parents secretly like having them spend time with the dog. She’s a short Jack Russell Terrier.

I have to do kid swapping tomorrow. I’ll pick up Jess and leave Kyle for two hours while she goes to martial arts. Then I take her back and get Kyle. She’s trying to earn enough to buy a new bed.

Sydney got an old cracked bowling pin from bowling last Saturday. She’s just finished decorating it with sharpies. She had a lot of fun. I think the Advil is working because she won’t stop talking now. LOL

I’m writing and listening to NCIS. Funny huh? My brain likes to be busy. But, it likes to be quiet too.

I’m trying to figure out how to get the time to go to Rainier this week but we want to be around when my mom has surgery.

March 31^st 2009 b
It’s A Man!
So the person who wrote me is apparently a man! I’m so disappointed. He’s just the kind of woman I’m looking for. Bummer. I’m sooooo gay.

March 31^st 2009
Mom Goes in for Back Surgery
So my mom officially retires tomorrow. Two days later she’s having surgery on her back to relieve some lower back pain. I’m nervous about it. I admit it. She drew a diagram for me tonight of what they’re doing. Bleh. That said, she’ll probably recover faster than I did from my broken foot.

It’s Spring Break and since we can’t afford to go anywhere I’ve been letting the kids stay up late and sleep in. They seem cool with that. I didn’t sleep good last night and am contemplating a short nap. More later…

Two days ago we had snow. Again. Yesterday it all melted. Such goofy weather. Today it’s been very windy.

Someone wrote to me via my myspace account and told me to email her at her yahoo account. Only thing is it bounces right back. Such a bummer. She sounded like she’d be fun to talk to. I answered via myspace. Hopefully she’ll get it.

I’m bored. Sydney is sick and I had to cancel both Sylvan and physical therapy. Now the only thing on my schedule is martial arts with Jessica this evening.

I’m listening to a band Jessica introduced me to called Evanescence. The heavy music and light vocals are well suited together. I like them. They have a song called Lithium. I think that’s pretty funny since I take it. I would never have guessed  that they are a Christian band.

The Facts About Bipolar Disorder

I am sick to death of people telling me they have been told they have Bipolar Disorder. I know at least three people who claim to have it besides me. You have to understand that I don’t know many people who would tell me something so personal. Three is a huge number. Just this morning at bowling one of the mom’s I’ve known for years through baseball/softball told me she has Bipolar II. Ok, I’m all for treating this disorder. I’m Type I and am treated myself.

I think, some people are emotionally retarded or lack discipline or are immature or something. Doctors tell them they have Bipolar and prescribe pills. “Oh, when I’m stable they’ll wean me off them.” Doctors need to take the hard way and tell people to grow up. Three in five people don’t have Bipolar Disorder. It’s just plain old poppycock.

I take five pills a day to control my Bipolar Disorder. Five… and I feel better emotionally and physically than I have in years. I’m what’s called a rapid cycler. I can modulate the whole range of Bipolar emotions in a single day. Most rapid cyclers take longer than that to cycle. Me, I’m full on all the time.

I am surviving this killing disorder sometimes by the end of my fingertips. I resent people telling me they have it and smiling like we’re now equals and it’s a badge to show off. It’s a very real sickness. It kills people. It ruins lives.   

Check out these facts:
NARSAD, the Mental Health Research Association state that: "More than 2 million American adults or 1 percent of the population age 18 or older in any given year have bipolar disorder."

According to the drug company AstraZeneca's bipolar statistics: "Between 3 and 4 % of the world’s adult population is affected by bipolar disorder. That is 222 million adults worldwide."

And according to the latest bipolar statistics quoted by the Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance (DBSA) "Bipolar disorder affects approximately 5.7 million adult Americans, or about 2.6% of the U.S. population age 18 and older every year." (National Institute of Mental Health)

According to Dr Wes Burgess in his book, The Bipolar Handbook: Real-Life Questions with Up-to-Date Answers, Penguin 2006: "It is estimated that 2 to 7% of people in the United States suffer from bipolar disorder. Almost 10 million people will develop the illness sometimes during their lives. About half of these will never receive the correct diagnosis or treatment."

Okay, so people get Bipolar Disorder. That doesn’t excuse the “I have a cold” response these people who claim to have Bipolar Disorder. As a Type I suffer I can tell you it’s like entering hell with no protective clothing on. Even being on as many medications as I’m on I still have episodes. One of my least favorite is the clawing up my spine feeling. Another is my sudden and unexpected extreme anger outbursts. Depression becomes my shadow and I want to retreat to my room, only I have three kids and that isn’t always an option. I have to find other ways to cope. The first response is my little chill pill. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. Alone time sometimes helps. Sometimes nothing helps and I feel like I’m going out of my mind violently.

Bipolar-Lives.com has this to say about BP suffers and suicide:
Many studies indicate a 15% rate of suicide amongst individuals with bipolar disorder. This rate is about 30 times higher than that of the general population. The rate of suicides amongst bipolar people is even higher than that for schizophrenics.

Bipolar Disorder is an especially frightening and serious disease. Bipolar Type II is especially dangerous and painful disorder. No one should ever minimize the impact of BP on the life of the sufferer and those in their life. BP can easily kill one’s spirit, it may even take a life.

March 21^st 2009
Kids and Ghosts
My kids like to watch some of the ghost hunter type shows and the UFO shows. One of them also likes to watch the underground cities shows. So, I think it’s important to talk about it with them. We talk about these things more than we do about religion… which we hardly ever talk about. Their father is a died-in-wool born again Christian. He’s taken courses in preaching and everything. He’s totally turned them off to religion. I’d like to see them consider some of the Buddhist philosophies.

 About ghosts, I don’t know. So they can believe in them or not. I just don’t want them to be afraid. Lack of concrete information tends to make people afraid. These ghost shows are designed and edited to scare viewers. I don’t think my kids need to be frightened by them.

The burden of proof is on the person trying to prove ghosts exist. This is the main lesson I want my children to learn. I want them to be able to say… prove it to me beyond a shadow of a doubt.

Today Jessica is at the martial arts gym, meaning she didn’t go to class this week. She seems to be having fun now. She was mad at me for making her come to the 10 o’clock open gym. She wanted to sleep in because she’s going to a friend’s house overnight and they usually stay up really late. I keep trying to get her up in the morning but I’ve met with no success whatsoever.

Kyle and Sydney are still sleeping I image. It’s almost noon. Sydney skipped bowling because next week she’s going to try using her right arm again. Hopefully with all the physical therapy she’s been doing she’ll do good and not have any pain.   

March 20^th 2009
Ghosts: Spirits of the Dead, Sprits From Beyond or Another Race Altogether?
Alright, so a ghost is usually thought of as the soul or spirit of someone who has died and is hanging around the human realm for one reason or another. EVP or Electronic Voice Phenomena are thought to be the voices or other sounds of ghosts. To many enthusiasts EVPs are paranormal gold.

But what of angels and demons or spirits from cultures around the world? One of my daughters says I’m a skeptic… and I am. Once I was a Bible School graduate and was a Christian for some 25 or more years. Today I don’t claim to believe in any god and I am happier and have a richer life for it.

I believe there are amazing mysteries in the world that are intertwined and make sense when they are all brought together.

So, do I believe in ghosts? I believe the impossible is possible.